“I’ve been hurt by the church. Why would I go back? They are a bunch of hypocrites.”
This reaction is understandable. We don’t expect church people to hurt us. It’s painful to see people treated poorly by church members or used and abused by leaders. Churches are filled with broken people who don’t always get it right- the dark workings of a power hungry, entitled or fame-driven church leader; pastors and parishioners who have abused people in their congregations.
Despite all the problems, the church was Christ’s idea. So, when broken people do broken things, we need to be careful not to throw out the church in response to the hurt. Instead, work towards accountability, forgiveness, and unity. When churches are healthy, they are a place to belong, to build community, to heal and have prayer and communion with others who are on a faith journey.
If you have experienced church hurt, here are 6 steps to heal:
- Acknowledge and identify it. Don’t fall into the trap of staying silent if you are hurt. Address it. Suffering in silence is not healthy and does not bring accountability to anyone.
- Take your hurt to Christ. He has experienced it all-betrayal, abuse, gossip and more, especially at the hands of religious leaders. He tells us to caste our cares on Him. He is the healer and can work you through the pain.
- Go to the people involved. If that is a leader, take witnesses. If the person refuses to acknowledge the hurt, go to the next level of authority. If sin is involved, confront it. Speak the truth in love. If a church has no accountability structure apart from the pastor, I would be hesitant to attend that church.
- Find a trusted to friend to talk to in this process. You might even consider a Christian therapist to walk you through the process of healing. Talking to a third party brings perspective. It can also help you prepare for dealing with the issue.
- Choose to forgive. Regardless of the response of the people involved, you must forgive to move forward in your own healing. Forgiveness is a process and usually takes time. Hanging on to offense will lead you to bitterness.
- Above all, guard your heart. People hurt you, not the church at large. Jesus built the church to give us Christian community, to care for others, to serve, to be in relationships to encourage and build our faith. This is so needed in our culture today. We need a safe place to belong. Find a safe church, one that is living out the gospel with healthy leadership.
If you have been hurt by the church, acknowledge it and deal with it. If you simply walk out the door, you carry the hurt to the next church or group. And it will eat away at you. Deal with the problem and if leadership is unwilling, consider another place to grow in your faith. But don’t give up on the church.