Every day, we encounter people who are difficult. How we respond to them matters. You don’t want to escalate tension and conflict or be ungodly in your response. So, here are five tips to help deal with difficult people.
- Try to be kind even when they are not. People don’t wake up one day and say, “Hey I think I want to be difficult. How can I make people not like me?” But that is often what happens because of their behavior. So, while our first response may be to react in an unkind way to return the favor, don’t because it makes you equally negative. In fact, if you return kindness to a difficult person, it will disarm them. (Psalm 15:1)
- Stay calm. When someone blames or criticizes you, don’t match their intensity. Try not to overreact. Sometimes “the feeling” part of your brain gets triggered, and the “thinking” part goes offline. When that happens, take a timeout and catch your breath. Count to 10, do some deep breathing—and pray for self-control. If you need to, recite the Serenity Prayer: God, help me to not react and to see them as a person made in your image. Pause until you are calm.
- Know your triggers. One way to stop conflict from escalating is to identify your triggers. Triggers are those hot buttons easily pushed. Maybe you work with someone who makes you feel crazy. Figure out why. Is it because he always cuts you off mid-sentence—the same way that your father did? Or does he have to be right like your mom? Why is this person getting under your skin? Once you know your trigger, identify a better way to respond.
- Don’t tell a person they’re difficult. It is tempting, but it almost always backfires. They don’t usually see themselves as difficult. So calling it out will only exacerbate their anger. Many difficult people have personality disorders with poor impulse control and a need to win at any cost. You are not going to get anywhere by telling the person how difficult they are. Know it, but don’t say it.
- Forgive. When all else fails, you may need to cut ties with a difficult person. Even then, forgiveness is needed. During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told us to love our enemies and bless those who curse you, not hold resentment and bitterness. Ask God to give patience and the heart to not react or retaliate. Let go of offense and resentment as it will negatively impact your health and well-being. Ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and the path to healing from the hurts inflicted by a difficult person.